S.A. Jokes

Here is a selection of South African Jokes. If you have any good jokes to offer, please pass them on. Please keep all jokes in good taste.

From: Aris Stathakis

Van in Paris Van goes to the top house of ill repute in Paris. He goes up to the Madam and asks,.. "I want your best girl !!". The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs. Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" The Madam is absolutely astounded, as that this has never happened before, but never the less she sends up her second best girl. Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must go upstairs and service this client herself. Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?" Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on. She replies, " 'e vants to pay me in Rands !!!"

From: Leon

You know you are in S.A. When.... You know you're in South Africa when/if...WARNING : The following is a somewhat cynical look at the new South Africa. Fervent patriots beware... - The bank checks your great grandparents' credit record before granting you a credit card. - The bank issues you a credit card with a limit that you can't even buy a plane ticket with. - Your cheque takes 14 days to clear. - You see these intestine-stuffed-with-meat packs on the shelves of supermarkets commonly known as Borewors. And when you take them out of the pack, they're so long that it can be laid along the Great Wall of China. Or you see people using it to tow their cars. - You see it says non-South African Burger in some of ID books. (Just in case you don't know Afrikaans, Nie SA Burger = Non SA Citizen). - People talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights. - The telephone company of South Africa overcharges you without you realising it. - You dial a toll-free number and nobody answers the phone. - There's only one person aboard a double-decker bus during peak hours, namely the bus driver himself. - You find out there's nothing to watch on TV or it's broadcasting in 11 different official languages. - When people interpret the STOP sign as a YIELD sign and a YIELD sign as something totally non-existent. - You see a traffic circle even though the road is only 3 metres wide. - There's kingklip on every restaurant menu. - The waiter snatches your plate the instant your knife and fork are parallel. - The guard dogs rush you at the gate, wagging their tails and waiting to be petted. - A mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you. - When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way. - You don't stop at a red rob.... traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. - You buy something that was damaged in the shop, and they won't refund you. - Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. - You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. - A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. - You save up for months to buy a video machine for someone to steal. - You pay 3 times the value for the above mentioned video machine. - Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car. - You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. - When Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime is too high. - When the political parties spend time and money worrying about crimes of the past and ignore the crimes of the present. - When purse snatching becomes a national sport. - When people start joking about the crime rate. - A Toyota Camry is a luxury car that costs as much as a BMW. - The police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you've just reported. - Locally built cars cost more that imported ones, and how quick and the amount that these local car prices can drop. - The rand goes for a dive, and everything goes up, even old stock. - When you paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters. - When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu commercial. - The government has more opposition from themselves than from any opposition party. - A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated BMW. - The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. - Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demands that their debt is written off... at Pretoria Technikon - A 45 year old engineer gets replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write his own name. - The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. - Half the city pays for the other half's electricity and water supply. - When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate viewer a 6 month sentence. - The prisoners strike! - Crime actually DOES pay. - People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought from their forefathers. - The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing. - The government GIVES you a house, and you complain. - You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly: "Oh, having a look around, are you?...." - The most popular vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow or off-road that people buy for the express purpose of driving to Sandton City/Constantia Village/GreenAcres/The Waterfront to do their grocery shopping. - Retail stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are most inconvenient to the majority of people (8:30 AM to 5:00 PM), and closed at the times when most people are able to go shopping (ie.after 5:00 PM). - The few innovative stores that stay open late have to close down through lack of business because the sheep, I mean people, can't get it through their skulls that you CAN go shopping at 10 PM. - You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic. - Or the guy in front of you (always an old man, wearing a hat <--- check, it's true!) stops dead, waiting for a gap onto the freeway. - You buy a product with a 12-month guarantee (exhaust, video, toaster, etc) and it expires after 12 months and 3 seconds. - Locally purchased BMWs and Mercs have a sign on the dash saying "Use indicators only in case of extreme emergency". - There is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you. - People would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house. - A Toyota Hilux bakkie cost as much as a Landrover. - A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in english. - The post office stores letters instead of delivering letters. - Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday. - When a South African coming from America/UK has a more pronounced accent than an actual American/Englishman. - Someone tells you about all the overseas places they have visited - over and over and over again. - In every mall there is 10 curio shops containing the same stuff. - If you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV. - SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend. - Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%, but we are told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years". - When you go to prison for murder, instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms. - You are likely to spend less time in prison for shooting the SABC license inspector, than for actually not having a TV license. - The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the head of Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences. - You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world. - To alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards. - You are expected to carry a drivers license that doesn't fit into your wallet. - The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election. - The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station. - People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to make their beds themselves. - You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been stolen. - When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone. - When employers have to pay the employee wages during strikes and cannot lock them out. - When cops are always able to spot you parking/driving illegally but are optically challenged if you are drive a taxi. - When things don't get stolen, they get affirmatively acquired. - When the government rams affirmative action down our throats while wondering how the graduates & professionals could be so unpatriotic as to want to emigrate. - when the SABC summons you for non-payment of TV license fees - when you don't have a television. - When the vote counters in the rural areas are as illiterate as the voters. - You no longer request anything, you "DIMAND" it. - You know what "vowlence" is. - People are not embarrassed about watching Leon Schuster movies, "Win and Spin" or "Suburban Bliss". - When the police offer R 1000.00 for reward leading to the arrest of someone, or 3 cows. ______________________________________________________

From: Steven Wishart

Mandela Visit President Mandela goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa. At the airport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Mr. Mandela realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is. At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr. President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?" The President looks Mr. Mandela straight in the eye and says, "Well you know that may be true Mr. Mandela, but I was just as puzzled at why you have a Minister of Law and Order?"

From: Rene Dumas

Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds. Here are some extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican lungwich: Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom Beds - mossies, doves, etc Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg Ben - to set alight Chealdren - our future is in their hands Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle Debben - city in KZN Deekshunry - where you find weds Detty - opposite of clean Die'llas - as in drug die'llas or wee-pon die'llas Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors Effrican - from the continent of Africa Erriors - districts, e.g. ebbon erriors Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American Fest - the one before second and third Fok - used with nifes Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle Fumma - he owns the fum Guddin - where you grow kebbijees Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take Get - a hinged device in a fence Hair - as opposed to heem Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted Hiss - masculine form of hairs Hubba - where sheeps dock Itch - as in itch and avairy pesson Jems - little bugs that give you the flu Kah - what you drive around in Kennel - ummy officer Kebbijees - vegetable Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there Kettegry - in a system of classification Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper Kleenix - where nesses weck Kot - where the judges sit Len - to acquire knowledge Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, the president Lungwich - weds what are spokkin Mick - those that will inherit the eth Miening - what is the miening of this attack? Nesses - they weck in kleenix and hospitals Pee pull - powa to da pee pull Peppa - one way to get the news Pesson - one of pee pull Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal Pees - symbolised by white dove Pees-Tox - between IRA and John Major Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange Regime - anything to describe pre-1994 Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands Rent - N/A - word obsolete Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic Sheep - big boat Shex - houses in squatter camps Ship - provider of wool Shit of Peppa - something to write on Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweamas Spitch - what politicians make at a relly Suth - opposite of North Sweamas - compete in a sweaming pul Teps - solvent to thin enamel paint Teck - see geave Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day Tipic ally - characteristic Tocks - negotiations Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica Ummy - military force Wee men - ladies We pon - a gun Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through Weaned - Gone with the Weaned Weaner - the one with the most votes Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull Weds - what the dictionary is made up of Wekkas - do the weck Weld - the eth Wems - small crawly creatures Weth - she is weth her weight in gold.

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